no more

They asked for my CV, I sent. They asked for referees, I gave. They asked for an interview, I went.

But now I think I am not going to take up the offer.

I asked if they had other applicants from the newspaper ads they put out. There was a dossier, labelled "Cello position 09". Inside, the top sheet was a foolscap paper with my name written on it, with other penciled words. They said "You're the top of that list", but I think they put the paper there before that so they could say those words.

It took one hour. The people that recommended me to the head, I know. They are good people. They have great personalities and are passionate about what they do. It makes me think twice about rejecting the position, because it would be a great opportunity to work with them.

The further I go (Serangoon!), the more I know what I have is what I don't want to lose. Granted, in taking up a new school I get more money. But with that comes the guilt of divided loyalties, the strain of commuting, and a great amount of energy expended to overcome the inertia of getting initiated into a new environment. The negative externalities are surprisingly high and far outweigh the paltry pecuniary incentive.

Working environment is important. Leadership is definitely an issue too. And right now, I am content with what I have, am willing to put in more time into developing what I have, and cultivating whatever relationships that have. I need space, time to breathe, to think, process, recollect, reinvent. It is difficult to get creativity running on drained batteries.

And today, after a rehearsal where I had to squeeze out the improvisation like squeezing blood out of a rock, where I saw everything happening like a slow motion nightmare and my brain was 5 seconds behind in reacting to everything - I have made up my mind.

Screw the recession.