the rise and fall of

My MSN nick recently reads "I think I might be mad", and when recently asked why, I said that my brain was undergoing a sort of paradigm shift. Of course, 'paradigm' is the wrong word. More like, hemispherical shift. I discovered it by accident when I was constructing a visual image and realised that I was looking to the left, which is characteristic of the eye processing cues of left-handed people. Which means my pseudo left-handedness is starting to mess with my brain. It is slightly terrifying because I decided to the whole handedness switch thing BEFORE I read this book called "The Left Hander Syndrome", which claims that 'research' shows that left handed people have a greater tendency to have mental illness, be depressed, be gay, die earlier etc. Help.

But it feels like a paradigm shift because everything that constitutes 'me' is changing. Apart from the being more explicitly evil, it feels like I'm becoming a totally different, less prone to moodiness and more haha-like, which is totally appalling. I'm trying frantically to hold on to my antisocial self to keep away well-meaning conversationalists, but it's not really working.

Maybe it's because I'm spending too much time with the quartet, but then again, they are too nice to be blamed.

Or maybe it's the whole social work atmosphere that is infecting me.

Yesterday I was at the lab for tutorials, sitting around in the dark because there was no one around, and darkness is comforting. Then the technician came in, turned on the light and said to me, "You must turn on the light, if not (the lecturer) won't dare to come in because she might think there is another class on. Social work people are very nice."

His comment doesn't sound like much, but I could sense derogatory undercurrents, almost as if he equated 'nice' with 'stupid'. At that point, I felt totally indignant on behalf of Prints because although her Korean accent and weird phrases sometime come out wrong and awkward, she is definitely smarter than the smug technician. But as usual I didn't say anything except smile; I try to be nice sometimes.

And my totally contradictory posts, oscillating between utter evilness and attempts to be nice, are testament to my frantic attempts to establish some sort of equilibrium to my currently unstable personality.

a spray of mist

Last night I saw a cockroach crawling around on the floor. I sprayed it with Baygon but it continued crawling slowly around. It was taking too long to die, and I wanted to sleep early, and in peace. It was then I remembered the Mortein in my parent's room, left collecting dust because my mother condemned it as it couldn't kill lizards effectively.

(I tried explaining to her that lizards were not insects and Mortein was an 'INSECTicide' but she wasn't convinced.)

So the Mortein has a cool nozzle for more directed, less random spraying, and it blasts insecticide in a visible cloud. One blast, and the cockroach scuttled up the cupboard, did a backflip and landed on the floor, wriggling its bottom legs that hadn't yet been paralysed. I sprayed it again, and it flipped itself upright, then flipped over again. By which time, it had tired itself thoroughly with the acrobatics, and could only flail its legs.

I watched it for a while more, and when I saw that it would be dying an agonising death, decided not to spray it again.

perplexed

Today during astronomy lecture, a social work classmate who's also taking the module asked me a question. The answer required some degree of 3D visualisation and manipulation, so it was a little difficult to explain, even with excessive gesticulation. In the end she still looked puzzled so I said something along the lines of, "guys are generally better at these spatial thingies".

And she went, (almost triumphantly) "Stereotype!"

I was stunned into momentary silence, something that seems to be happening quite often nowadays. First I didn't know if it was meant to be a joke. Maybe she didn't register that I was similarly female, and almost equally confused by the lecture (and the various applets that show the sun going around and around in some pseudo-hypnotic motion). If I were a male, and said something like that, then maybe she would have more reason to feel indignant.

My next thought was, "She's probably taking the gender module too, hence the fervour in maximising the use of her newfound knowledge." But then if I recall, guys having better spatial skills is a rather well established gender-based difference. And difference is just difference, without the imposition of value judgments.

With all these things running through my mind, 2 seconds wasn't enough time to articulate a response, so I just smiled.

distractions

So another post is up in T.H.E Quartet blog! (Look under "rants".) I seem to be spending so much more time there recently, much to the detriment of readings and other sensible things. This year, for some strange reason, I can't shake the nagging feeling like "There's nothing left to lose". And that is one liberating, though possibly, self-destructively hedonistic, thought.

engineered

So as some people know, I got a C+ for my fieldwork, and I suppose it's due to the million and one ethical violations that was known to the whole department, but who cares. I've since then been wearing it proudly like a badge that says I have a license to spout rubbish and ask totally random and stupid questions like "What's objective and subjective."

Today during gender lecture, the lecturer (the one who probably thinks I'm stupid after yesterday's consultation, let's call her Prints) asked a question.

"If you were an FSC director, who would you employ?"

1. a competitive, independent, objective, detached male
2. a competitive, independent, objective, detached female
3. a gentle, nurturing, sensitive emotional male
4. a gentle, nurturing, sensitive emotional female

So I chose (2), and when asked "why not (1)?", I said, "because the male will most likely leave, eventually, for a higher paying job."

And Prints was trying to hide her appalled look and didn't say anything for a few seconds. And the lecture group didn't say anything for a few seconds either. Then some small voice whispered, "that's sexist", and then the whole class started murmuring. It was so entertaining. So. I suppose you must be wondering why I said that. Because I'm sexist, obviously!

Ok not really. But I thought it isn't too far from what might be a possibility. A male who's competitive won't really last long in social work because they isn't really anyone to compete with except yourself. I mean, he can't possibly compete with the client right? Nor can he compete in terms of "I closed my case faster than you, hah! (complete with smug look)". With that kind of personality, he'll probably find his satisfaction somewhere else.

Maybe I'm really sexist. Or maybe it's true. Either way, it was cool because people actually reacted, for once, and started talking.

But something strange is happening to me. It's like, out of the blue, after not speaking more than two sentences per module per semester, I've suddenly found my voice. Previously, I used to think the questions the lecturers asked had such obvious answers there had to be a catch somewhere, which might explain why everyone took so long to answer, but I think this semester I found that there is no catch, and if the questions get answered, the lecture moves on faster. Even if they get answered shockingly, something happens, instead of the infuriating silence. It's rather exciting really - I get to see what happens when people don't hear the politically correct things, and it's almost funny. I know it sounds mean and utterly evil, but I figured, there are only a few more semesters left, I might as well have fun.

the long awaited

T.H.E. String Quartet blog is finally up. Have a look and post comments!

See, we actually do work together sometimes.

never again

First day of term2 at KoolPurple school, and QuietBoy has proved to be the fastest learner. Chatterbox moans about the pain in his fingers, Dreamboat throws fits of willfullness where she dumps her cello on the floor and refuses to play. And she thinks she knows everything! That's really the hardest kind of student to teach I think. But right under my nose, I think Chatter box is trying to hook up with Dreamboat! He tried to make a date with her at "the North Pole" at "Club Penguin" - this online game thingy. Unfortunately Dreamboat was already meeting someone else at "American Pole". I watched in fascination at Chatterbox's totally disappointed "aw shucks" face. Chatterbox is only 8.

Today's also the first day I went for consultation in my entire uni life. For the uninitiated, consultation is when you go to a lecturer's office feeling stupid, ask questions that make you appear stupid, and come out of the session feeling stupid.

I never felt a need to go for consultation, because I hate wasting other people's time. But this time I really couldn't help it, because my research lecturer was totally confusing in her simplicity. Maybe it's just because I confuse myself; my mind goes off on its own tangent and thinks itself into messes it can't get out of.

Classically enough, the first question that popped out was "What's objective and subjective?" with reference to qualitative and quantitative research, immediately establishing myself as a "you-should't-be-in-uni" person. Before I could change my question, the lecturer went to great detail to patiently explain that "the paper is yellow" is objective and "the paper is soft" is subjective. *wince*. She is painfully patient.

But what I actually meant to ask was, who determines what is objective and subjective, and if the whole quantitative/objective, qualititative/subjective dichotomy was a bit simplistic because the 'objective' might be attained only by setting subjective standards, and the 'subjective' might be a person's objective reality.

I did get down to asking those things in the end and the answer, as always, is that there is no definite answer. The wonders of consultation.

stellarium

I'm always fascinated by how much easier it is to look at stars in some countries, where there are less lights and more darkness. Now there's the most fascinating software for you to observe the stars from your computer screen, and speed up virtual time to observe the stars in motion. The most awesomest thing is that you can toggle this button called 'constellation art' and ta-daa. Go see for yourself.

This was introduced during my astronomy lecture. I think watching stars pass makes you feel as if time is passing at an equally rapid speed, but maybe it's just because Dr Aslaksen is so gorgeously entertaining.

the grind

So kill me if this sounds insane but I've never been more glad to get back to the routine of school, the studying, the buying books, the whole sitting-in-class-like-everyone (i Am like everyone), bitching about the boring/not-so-boring/hot stuff lecturers, standing at the photocopying machine breathing toner and trying not to be blinded by the light. I've never been gladder because, finally, the rest of the world will be busy too, and it won't be just me having zilch of a life, and stressing over how little I've practiced, or the various things that I could screw up in the next performance. Well. Maybe it's just me.

Being one of the non-identifiable fish in the uni pool, welcome to Blogging About School.

For one, I got interesting math lecturer for my Heavenly Mathematics: Cultural Astronomy module. (And all along I thought it was impossible for "interesting" and "math" to be mentioned in the same breath.) It has only been the first lecture, but by honestly
proclaiming that he's a "loving and caring lecturer, Judge and Executioner", I think I like him already. He also brings stuffed toys in a huge, bright yellow Fila bag to class.
Finally, something worth waking up at 6 30 am for.

Well then there's the obligatory tribute to the dead soci lecturer Ananda Rajah, who taught the Singapore Studies module that I took for one semester. He talked with great passion about Singapore food and how it has been through the racial blender, like most aspects of Singapore. And he had a healthy dose of skepticism, which I think is absolutely essential when discussing trademark-edly Singaporean mono-narratives.

And I'm so glad that finally, after arduous weeks of waiting and practicing and panicking, the NUS Chamber Concert has come and gone, and thankfully Leslie didn't dump our quartet after the concert, which was a mighty relief. Hopefully the NAFA concert on 29th Jan will pass without fuss too.

THE Quartet webpage is in the works, mostly thanks to our suddenly and strangely enthusiastic 1st violin. Currently it has many of my unglam moments, so I won't reveal the address. But then again, knowing how my sprouting horns are so infectious, I'm sure someone in the quartet has already caught the evil bug and will not hesistate to reveal the address if you offer some monetary incentives, or good food.