the rise and fall of

My MSN nick recently reads "I think I might be mad", and when recently asked why, I said that my brain was undergoing a sort of paradigm shift. Of course, 'paradigm' is the wrong word. More like, hemispherical shift. I discovered it by accident when I was constructing a visual image and realised that I was looking to the left, which is characteristic of the eye processing cues of left-handed people. Which means my pseudo left-handedness is starting to mess with my brain. It is slightly terrifying because I decided to the whole handedness switch thing BEFORE I read this book called "The Left Hander Syndrome", which claims that 'research' shows that left handed people have a greater tendency to have mental illness, be depressed, be gay, die earlier etc. Help.

But it feels like a paradigm shift because everything that constitutes 'me' is changing. Apart from the being more explicitly evil, it feels like I'm becoming a totally different, less prone to moodiness and more haha-like, which is totally appalling. I'm trying frantically to hold on to my antisocial self to keep away well-meaning conversationalists, but it's not really working.

Maybe it's because I'm spending too much time with the quartet, but then again, they are too nice to be blamed.

Or maybe it's the whole social work atmosphere that is infecting me.

Yesterday I was at the lab for tutorials, sitting around in the dark because there was no one around, and darkness is comforting. Then the technician came in, turned on the light and said to me, "You must turn on the light, if not (the lecturer) won't dare to come in because she might think there is another class on. Social work people are very nice."

His comment doesn't sound like much, but I could sense derogatory undercurrents, almost as if he equated 'nice' with 'stupid'. At that point, I felt totally indignant on behalf of Prints because although her Korean accent and weird phrases sometime come out wrong and awkward, she is definitely smarter than the smug technician. But as usual I didn't say anything except smile; I try to be nice sometimes.

And my totally contradictory posts, oscillating between utter evilness and attempts to be nice, are testament to my frantic attempts to establish some sort of equilibrium to my currently unstable personality.