mismatch

In Humanistic Psychology, there is one term that gets thrown around a lot - congruence. Congruence in behaviour means you say what you genuinely feel. Congruence also occurs when what you think you are (i.e. your self concept) is consistent with your actions. For example, if you think you are generous, but don't share stuff with your sibilings, then your self concept is incongruent with your behaviour. Incongruence in both forms generate undesirable distress.

In my few years of engaging in human interactions, I have come to the conclusion that people get along best with the people whom they can be congruent with (i.e. don't have to put on a false self). If you constantly have to act a certain way just to click with the other person, which is at odds with your original personality, the incongruence you experience generates a hell lot of distress.

(Like "Duh. Underneath all the fancy terms, who didn't know that already?")

What I'm wondering is why people continue interacting with those who make them experience this incongruence. Why bother when you'll only end up feeling more miserable, frustrated at being miserable, not to mention the niggling sense of having been cheated out of something, having been frustrated over nothing in particular. Having been made to question whether it's something you did wrong, when it might be that the other person might be having his/her own unresolved hangups which he/she then projects on other people. (So Freudian.)

Recently, my cello teacher asked me about something I (apparently) told S. S told my cello teacher that I said that one must be Zen when playing the cello and relax, but not relax the muscles.

My first thought at that time was, if not relax the muscles, then relax the bones? Relax the mind? Relax the fingernails?

My second thought was, "What Transcendental Bullcrap". Zen?!

And then I reacted violently, incredulously, until I saw my teacher look worried, at which point she said "Misunderstood ya?", and thankfully dropped the subject.

I didn't say anymore, but I spent the rest of the lesson wondering why I bothered talking to S about cello in the first place, (maybe because we have nothing left to talk about) what insanity possessed me to meet her again, and why I knowingly set myself up with someone whom I constantly feel incongruent with. Even Stitch is good, in comparison. It's almost appears as if all this is to reinforce the "I'm Ok You're not Ok " life position, in Transactional Analysis terms. But upon further reflection, I think plenty of people are OK. So it isn't a valid reason for such self destructive behaviour.

("You're overreacting." - you might think, at this point. Probably.)

What disturbed me was not just S's totally warped interpretation of what I said (because it might have been my fault for not explaining it clearly and assuming she knew what I meant). It was the understanding of the depth of misunderstanding; the reasons why this happened, why it happened before, and why it will keep happening are all tangled up like a potful of spaghetti. And it's too tiring, and totally pointless, to separate the strands, one by one.