Slowly but surely, my mind is completing it's conquest over my self. I know it sounds insane but I don't know how else to put it. Maybe in the morning I would never have remembered that this ever crossed my mind - that would be when my mind has taken control over my self again - so I write to help myself remember.
And you, who are reading this, will be silent witnesses of this possession.
I remember in Haruki Murakami's "A Wild Sheep Chase", he writes about this Sheep Man taking over people's minds or something like that, and when that happens, these people become slaves to the Sheep Man and let him take over their minds and their person (or something like that).
Today my brain went on overdrive. It's hard to explain how it happened, it just did. One of those days, when everything seems so clear (and it's not because the rain cleared the haze). It was like, everything around had to be analysed, absorbed, picked apart. The conversations people were having on the bus, the number of ethnic minorities that seemed like a majority, who were ultimately undefinable - I replayed the various definitions in my mind, and throughout the day my brain was constructing mindmaps after mental maps after elaborate plans 4 steps ahead after not letting any sentence escape without draining its essence dry. And I couldn't stop it. (not "I couldn't stop myself"")
I don't think you understand it, yet.
Every little insignificant ridiculous thing was stimuli in its penultimate form. My mind was like the unstoppable force without the immovable object.
"was" - because suddenly, on the way home, after the quartet's Dissonance Rampage, it stopped. And I found myself catatonically staring into space. Well, not really 'space', but someone's butt that was in my face. And it was insanely quiet up there.
By now, the best and brightest would have diagnosed this to be - fatigue.
Maybe.
But this quiet bred sparked off a nagging disquiet. a sense that I finally knew why I was pushing myself to constantly do more, even though I'm only taking 4 modules this semester. My mind isn't satisfied with what I'm doing, because everything I'm doing is what I want to do, as opposed to what my mind wants. And so it has, for a while now, managed to con me into thinking that what I want is what it wants, which is why I think that I want to read (my readings, especially).
Maybe.
I thought I could keep it out, at least out of my after school activities. Stop the incessant analysing, picking people's brains. It's not really working because my mind, the Sheep Man, is taking over.
You once used the word "disarming" on me - if that is true, I see how that might have inadvertently served the purpose of my mind - it gets people less guarded, which leaves more raw material for my mind to devour. That is so scarily manipulative.
(How would you classify this weird occurence in terms of locus of control and responsibility?)
Even in this entry, my mind surfaces occasionally like a Jack in the Box, adding qualifiers, rationalisations, humour, so that no one can possibly take this post seriously, and when anyone sees me after this phase has passed and my mind has taken over again, they will be utterly convinced that this post was an anomaly - some strange unexplainable event in some random act of weirdness.
Is it, really?
The whole calorie counting/weight watching thing is currently my only way to retain any sense of control I have over anything. There is a certain comfort in knowing that your actions can tip the balance either way.
Why is control so addictive?
So psychoanlyse this, laugh at this, dismiss this as something irrelevant; my mind will love how it has less mess to clean up after this saga. This post will be probably the only reminder (to myself at least), that I tried.
Does having no definition for this mind possession syndrome mean it doesn't exist?
