My antisocial tendencies stem from my selfish-ass mentality that more friends mean more demands on time that is already so short in supply. That also explains my reluctance to be involved in any long term commitments, be it in organisations, orchestras, relationships or students. However, apparently I haven't been anti social enough.
(This post is no doubt going to make me sound a lot worse as I go along, but heck, I need to get it off my chest.)
I think people should not enter frivolously into commitments when they cannot commit fully i.e. pour their mind body and soul (and money) into, and if they eventually do, for them not to expect other people to bail them out or keep them afloat. This is particularly regarding the issue of music. In the past month, three people have expressed their intention of taking up a new instrument - one wants to learn the flute, the other two wanted to learn the cello.
The flute one wasn't so bad - she bought an instrument already, she just asked me if I knew anyone who taught flute. So I did actually make effort to ask around and find someone who stayed around her estate, and then when I finally gave her the contact, she told me "You know, I don't know if I really can sustain my interest in this thing, after all I am the kind who gives up very easily once I start something seriously.". Alright, never mind, that one woffles about so I wasn't too disturbed, just fascinated that she actually bothered to buy the instrument.
The two cello ones were the opposite - extremely interested in the lessons, asked about everything under the sun, from what books to buy to cello exams to what to look for when buying a cello, and they even fixed a lesson date, until they decided to pull out because they didn't want/couldn't buy a cello.
Very inane things to be upset about eh? Maybe it's just because music is almost sacred, like a religion that cannot be entered into hurriedly, but must be entered into with a certainty, conviction and First Love. Well, that and commitment. Or at least that's the way I feel towards it - you cringe at a sour note, at bad squeaks, at out of tune chords, because it's a desecration to the instrument and the other instrumentalists and the Final Sound. Maybe it's because of the way I place music on a pedestal like that, that is slavedriving my students to their death. (I choose to believe they secretly like it when they hear the results..) All that effort to find the best method for them each to produce the best sound, it's tiring. It's so much easier to make them play it over and over again and vaguely tell them what they should sound like, or even demonstrate to them what it should sound like. And I think because it takes so much effort, it sucks when you know that people don't feel so much for the whole business of playing, or take it half as seriously.
Again, what is this sense of familiarity, like I've said all this before, and am repeating myself like a preacher who finds himself lacking material 20 minutes into the message.
Anyway, the reason for the recent blog death, I realised, is that I haven't been poked hard enough by anyone. When no one comes to ruffle my feathers, there isn't much to talk about. I'm beginning to think that's unhealthy.
