So I got the scholarship, and rejected it, and felt waves of hostility from across the phone line, and at home, felt the frustration of my parents who knew that they couldn't stop me from rejecting the scholarship though they really wanted it.
Sometimes I wonder if it's all just a game, whether I'm in it for the chase, the thrill, the challenge of trying to get the unattainable (unattainable cos of my non-existent CCA record).
Someone said, when I asked her to write a referral letter for the scholarship, something along the lines of
"You need an ego boost huh?"
Of course she said it in jesting tones, but a part of me now is wondering whether she was right. Doesn't matter if I'm rejecting the scholarship because of the insane working hours, the fact that it's a Buddhist organisation or that it's not financially worth it.
Then again, ultimately life's like Russian Roulette. There's the thrill of coming close to self-destruction, or seeing how far you can go before you die; and there's the whole leaving to the higher powers thing (of course God won't ask you to kill yourself but I'm speaking metaphorically). After a while, acceptance is a conditioned response, but what needs working on is the inward smile.
(This entry is warped and incoherent and should be ignored. It's the therapeutic writing phase - 8 more days to go - and the words have all be drained out of me.)
