numbness, loss of ability to feel pleasure
associated with depression maybe
schizophrenia
One incoherently worded paper from everybody's favourite ex NMP
and 200 questions that squeezed every bit of memory, knowledge and O Level organic chemistry that I never knew I would so desperately need until today
(God bless My Chemistry Teacher who tried really hard to make sure I did all those TYS questions)
There is this unshakable feeling of emptiness, like my soul has been emptied out, only it isn't my soul because it's still there, technically, but I feel vacant, like when wind blows it goes right through but you don't feel cold or anything you feel nothing
nothing is everything now
catatonia
when i see anything faintly schoolwork-related
remember that after all the papers end i still have a script to mug for another show, three I turned down, because three is a magic number, but the fourth request I should take even though it means emptying out more of what I don't have, and I don't know how that is possible but it can and will happen.
Tomorrow is my mental health exam, the paper, not the actual thing, although I think the actual thing would be appropriate now too given this debilitating disability to string proper complete coherent sentences together instead of this stream of consciousness rubbish that tries to pass off as therapeutic writing but fails miserably and if a 40 mark question comes out on that tomorrow I won't be able to write anything without feeling like I'm selling out.
And on and on the fragmented phrase flashes in my mind - "pain begets pain relief" from the drug notes and I wonder if I should do it but really, this feeling is not pain, the disturbing thing is the lack of feeling anything and writing is the last desperate act of trying to invoke some sort of feeling and failing.
