loosed ends

Violist says, if I ever get into a relationship with a guy, I'll dominate.

Thought about it on the way home, in all its hypothetical-ness, and decided that I disagree. To dominate something/someone, you have to care enough about the way the thing/person/relationship is progressing, and currently, (probably with quartet as the only exception), I feel close to nothing about anything.

Explains why I don't care anymore whether I've to do all the work for group projects, whether I'll finish this essay on time, whether this person is angry/sad/insane -- there's this blankness, a lack of genuine reaction because there isn't enough emotion to fuel any reaction to begin with. Maybe I have Asperger's.

Maybe I don't. Whatever. Anyway I realised that it's possible to condition yourself to stop feeling. Everytime you feel the stirring of any emotion, you suppress it, breathe and blank out, ta-daa. Maybe all that hard work finally paid off. But I don't remember why I tried doing that in the first place. Possible sign of repression. Or maybe I just felt that affect gets in the way of task accomplishment.

This is like a transcript of one internal conversation. Something's happening.