identity confusion

Today I realised that I really can't be a social worker in any permutation/form because I don't know how to say 'social work' in Chinese. Happened while I was getting my hair smeared in pungent white cream; the lady suddenly asked me what I was studying (in Chinese), and the only thing that came to my mind (in Chinese) was 'yi4 gong1' (charity work/volunteering) which isn't really it at all, but is the general perception of social work anyway so I didn't really feel like explaining.

At some VWO interview last week, was in the company of many social workers-to-be, and they were practically glowing with love and peace and self-sacrifice. They were talking about their pet projects, their volunteering at this home and that center, and while I pretended to be reading (but actually eavesdropping not-so-discreetly), what was going on up there was something like this:

help these people are so socially involved where have i been what have i been wasting my life on why haven't i been helping to make the world a better place reach out to the lost save the people that need saving

Followed by:

*guilt*. whatever. *bo chup*. how i have nothing to say about what i want to do for the community except that i think northlight is a great idea. *resignation* (mind is strangely quiet. oops. sleep mode already.)

Mind remains in sleep mode for the rest of the interview.

"Tell me about yourself"

(internal dialogue) You want to hear what I think you want to hear about me. But because I'm not ready to divulge my deep dark secrets, nor the warped functioning of my mind which I'm still trying to figure out, I'll stick to stating traits found in friendster testimonials (grand total of 6).

"So how do you think social work can gel with drama and music?"

(internal dialogue) Erm. I wrote that because I thought it would reduce the chances of me getting shortlisted for the interview.
(what came out) I think drama is relatively underused though rather useful when it comes to engaging people, especially children, to think about issues...forum/interactive theatre if well facilitated can help them make choices about their behaviour, learn how to assert themselves...empower client..blah blah..

And then i stopped myself because i was supposed to remain unenthusiastic. Actually when they stated explicitly the working hours - 12 to 9 pm (weekdays), 9 am to 9 pm (weekends), I just nodded knowingly, but was flipping bounding cartwheeling in my mind because it's such a relief knowing that it's such a clear STOP sign I really couldn't ask for more.

Maybe when I'm 21 I'll finally learn how to make 'responsible, well-informed decisions', with good career moves etc, but if entering the profession means selling my soul and giving up everything that means anything now, from cello/quartet to drama, I'm perfectly happy remaining where I am.

Maybe I'll look at this post sometime in the future, and think what an immature, selfish, ignorant ass I am, but what really matters apart from the here and now (and of course eternity)? Life's too short to think about the future, especially when your only future might be the present.