motivation

This is going to be a depressed, senseless rant. Skip it if you wish. The next post might be happier.

Hopped over to the act3 office today to pass them the photos for 'Emperor's New Clothes", and Chandran asked me if I was free to act for their next school tour. Unfortunately most of the shows are not on my free days, and so even though they only have 10 shows I can't do it! And if that wasn't depressing enough I found out that the company's KL tour starts on the 15th but I'll still be stuck playing for SDT's Sleeping Beauty so I can't go either; and it is also 'Sleeping Beauty's fault that I can't play for Singapore Idol too! Bah.

So I was moping in the office and listening to them talk about the upcoming shows, all the while sinking deeper and deeper into the huge roller chair and just I was about to be engulfed by the musty smell of mothballs and cigarette smoke, Chandran asked, "Why do you have to go to school anyway? Can you just not go? What's the point?"

Me: "For the paper!"

C: "It's not like you can eat the paper!"

Which is true. Perhaps this sense of frustration with university stems from me feeling that it's holding me back from the rest of the world, somehow. There seems to be so many more things to do, apart from going to school. Rushing term papers and mugging for tests seem so pointless. I don't think I'm saying this just because I have 4 major term papers to do and the prospect seems so tiringly daunting. Maybe it's what I've felt all along, except that the A's was quite a whirlwind and I never actually had the time to think about what I was doing. Or maybe it's because act3's such a wonderful place I feel I can keep doing this for the rest of my sorry life. Maybe it's something I'll get over eventually, but I can't help wondering what's my motivation for going to school? I know it seems like a really 'Duh' question considering the answer is obvious - get a good education to get a good job blah blah. Maybe I'm just being myopic and immature. I don't really know though.

It's not that university is not fun or anything. This whole knowledge acquisition thing is rather interesting. Everyday you gather little nuggets of information (which you might or might not want to know) which you hoard in your brain until you have exams, eject it all out during exams in a sparkling display of brilliance, and then you select another 5 modules, and repeat the process ad infinitum ad nauseum. Basically what we've been doing for most of our lives. I'm really tired.

(And I can hear the whispers "It's only the 8th week of the term and she's already burnt out? tsk tsk..")

I don't think I'm burnt out; I just lack motivation. Stanislavki's much acclaimed idea of 'objective'.

I meandered throught the library and didn't have it in me to pick up any book. Instead, I eavesdropped on loud whispers and found this:

(Boy picks up a book on CISCO security networks)
Girl: "Whoah, if you hack into their network, means you are more genius than their genius la, then you can conquer Singapore already!" *breaks into high pitched giggles*

Anyone's mind in gear-whirring mode yet?