existential anxiety

Into the 4th week of doing (almost) nothing, I'm beginning to wonder why exactly I'm at WCS. It's such an indulgence, to be able to spend everyday doing nothing much. Which is extremely at odds with my workaholic nature, but I haven't been able to churn up some form of healthy frustration at doing nothing.

I have one client who's almost twice my age. Ever since that one counselling session, things have been weird. Supervisor, in a rare flash of 'supervision', has nicely labelled it as a 'dual role'. I think this is supposed to help me to cope with this imbalanced power relation somewhat, but I haven't figured out how.

But even this gift of a case dropping into my lap seems almost like an afterthought from God. The very nature of the client being someone with extraordinary SuperWoman abilities and strengths already makes the prospect of her staying for more than 2 sessions unthinkable. It's like He's saying "Oh you're bored? Ok lemme see, let's give you something to scratch your itch for a while".

In short, it feels like I'm being played with, and I've never felt it stronger.

*maybe I am growing up. gasp*

I think He's expecting a Job-like response. But wait. God doesn't expect. He KNOWS.

Next week is the workshop, we have a grand total of 4 people who signed up, 3 of which are cell group leaders in their 20s, 1 is a 13 year old boy whose mother forced him to sign up. Whatever.

really?

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional. And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week! Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality. This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil. You are most compatible with: everyone! Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

Slimy Sticky Situation

For the longest time, or at least for 3 weeks now, I've been wondering what I'm doing in a Slack Office. There are still no clients, by some fluke mistake we realised that we gave the wrong number to dial for the counselling centre in our promotion flyer, a mistake that wasn't picked up by our Supervisor, or anyone else that saw any of the 5 drafts.

How is that possible.

SO anyway, pardon the shameless advertising again, but really, if you know of any person who is below 30 who wants free counselling call me directly at 6837 9255 before I waste away.

So back to the perennial question of WHY. I'm quite the workaholic, so normally, the more work the merrier. Long periods of mental/physical inactivity is Suffocating.Like now. And I think my present situation is a result of some divine conspiracy to make me learn a bit of patience, not to mention tolerance, especially because I am extremely intolerant of Slowness and Stupidity. Having to explain and go over things in painful detail ad infinitum frustrates me. And now, too often I catch myself thinking "That's So Stupid" when Stich tries to say something profound. And then because that thought contains a Smug Sense of Superiority (which Stich tries very hard to project especially when he feels ignorant, which irritates me further), I end up getting frustrated at myself, and the cycle repeats itself multiple times a day.

You see, now I'm getting infected by the Stich Syndrome, the main symptom of which is the endless refrain of "I I I/me me me". Such self indulgent, overly personal reflections should have no place in blogs.

Tomorrow. Another day of movie watching, another day of picking a random psychotherapy book from the shelves, reading it and making notes, so as not to make any unnecessary eye contact with Stich, so as not to encourage him from speaking (excessively).

fly swatter

Realised that performing daily psychotherapy without boundaries is extremely tiring, though I didn't know it was until I realise that I've been bitching to too many people about the distress that Stich is causing. Now I avoid eye contact at all costs with Stich, trying to stay off topics such as childhood, parents, play, just so as not to encourage his incessant, self-indulgent "I am so disadvantaged because of my childhood and I want to let you see the extent of my baggage" talk.

It is very tempting to see oneself as a psychotherapy case, basically because it's convenient to blame the way you are in the present on external forces of your childhood, on parents, on everyone except yourself. Stich says that psychotherapy is most appropriate for him but I think perhaps that is what is causing his presenting problem of wanting to do everything but not actually doing anything. Stich uses his past and his 'making-everybody-happy' philosophy to justify his inertia. i.e. "I want to do XXX but because XXX said/did this then I ended up not doing it."

Maybe he doesn't see it this way. Maybe inertia is not really inertia (to him) but a carefully considered response to an impulsive decision. On the one hand he seems bitter, yet he seems to want to project the "I'm resigned to my fate", self-sacrificing image. Maybe it's both.

Maybe I should stop letting Stich bother me.

"gimme one clap for God!"

So I missed the regular Sunday service to promote counselling services to the youth at WM. Before the service, the youth leader, upon hearing that I was from a BP Church, expressed concern as to whether I'll be able to worship properly. I smiled and assured her I would be fine. She said, "Today, should be fine, it's quieter."

I emerged traumatised.

It isn't like I haven't been to contemporary worship services before. Perhaps then the whole worship was more convincing, because everyone would be fully into the whole mood of arm raising and head shaking. This one, not everyone was as engaged, some people looked clearly awkward and uncomfortable, some kept their hands folded, some just stood around and watched the people on stage sing. The speakers were on at full volume, the drums were drowning the singer who had her throat popping veins trying to make herself heard. The songs, mostly Hillsong types, were about alien concepts such as the 'Jesus Generation', and I spent the rest of the time figuring out if that was meant to be literal or metaphorical because it means nothing and everything at the same time. Then they sang some 3 in one song about "Father Spirit Son" and I think I should stop writing about what I thought, because those were not very nice thoughts.

On the one hand I'm wondering if I'm being extremely judgmental, though I could just say it's a matter of personal preference. Or maybe it's the fact that all those seminars/messages on CCM are having it's delayed effect. Personal listening aside, when put in worship setting, when seeing so many people trying to emote (ok that's evil), it just felt extremely discomfiting.

Stich says, it's a way of reaching out to the youth. I suppose.

But what happened to silence and stillness on top of the cymbals and joyful noise? It felt like one big ra-ra rally, and the 10 minute sermon after a 35 minute praise&worship session didn't really help either.

like Waiting for Godot

Spent the whole of today waiting for the elusive youth worker in the office, but walks to her office at hourly intervals proved to be a gain for the step-counter and nothing else.

So we wait, and when we wait we talk, or rather, Stich (name changed to protect the innocent) talks, and tells me (again) his whole life story for me to attempt some form of psychotherapy on him. All this waiting, all this doing nothing, is proving to be more fruitful than I thought. In any case if there really are no clients, I would have accumulated enough information to write a whole essay on Stich, who is positively fascinating.

Maybe it feels like we're doing nothing because daily, we finish the stuff we have to do before lunch. After-lunch time is set aside for psychotherapy and movie watching to try to plan our program for the workshop.

Somewhere in my head, I think I know I should be worried about the lack of things to do, especially when there are tutorials and everybody seems to be swamped with work. But things are great the way they are, and I'm slowly getting into the hang of the whole counselling thing, (with the daily practice on Stich), and there's even room to try to integrate different methods on top of the psychotherapy. Slowly getting into the hang of confronting people over relational issues, and separating content and relational messages.

Waiting isn't really a problem; it's what you do when you wait that determines whether what is perceived as waiting is really waiting, and not stealthy preparation for what is to come.

That is a whole lot of words saying nothing really. I think I might be in denial of my boredom. Or, I might be acting bored so people don't know how glad I am to be in this physically vegatative but mentally hyperactive state.

brinksmanship

I have a serious problem with insecure people who don't know that they are insecure and try so hard to appear the opposite.

The hardest thing about now is learning to tolerate.

When tolerance breaks down I talk a long walk to the toilet and back and hope that in the 200 plus steps taken, I would have walked off the frustration. The long walks happen many times a day. I make sure it happens by drinking water. A lot of water. Probably also at the expense of others thinking that I have a weak bladder, but if that gives the insecure person a perceived edge over me, I don't mind.

One outburst in a million. There must be some way to deal with this, but too bad psychotherapy takes a long time to see an effect. I can't wait.

The Power is You (or so you think)

Social work is all about power, I figure. Clients come to you, assuming that you have 'expert' power. You do have the power to help them change, but only to the extent that the client wants to change. More importantly, you have to give the power of change to clients, by giving them information about the options they have, and the choices they can make.

In other words, stand beside them at the crossroads but don't point out which road to take.

Or rather, employ ventriloquist techniques and whisper in their ear until they know which road best to take, but still believe it's their own decision. (Hopefully they don't think they're getting schizophrenic)

In other words, it's a bit like playing God.

Some people, in their most desperate or despondent moments, religion notwithstanding, might find themselves appealing to God/a god, known or unknown, in the hope that if God is as powerful as He makes himself out to be, He can provide some sort of answer to their problems. Expert Power. And God does have the power to make things different, make them feel/cope better (as iffy as it sounds), even if their problems remain. But there is that one step of faith that the person has to take first - to acknowledge that he has a problem and wants to be freed from his old, not-fully-functional life.

And then there are others who feel that it is difficult to stomach the knowledge that God is the master chess player and we are all pawns in his plan for the world. But inherent in that statement is the assumption that we are all obedient mindless blobs, which couldn't be farther from the truth, which resembles something like all the pawn pieces turning on their own team and checkmating their king.

Well. I suppose we do have a choice as to how to lead our life, even if God already knows what is going to happen. Pre knowledge doesn't interfere with choice (let's leave predestination aside for the moment.) For those who do believe in God, the quiet voice that prompts us at the crossroads we don't see as interfering with choice, but sparing us from taking the long (and probably tedious) way around.

So I suppose it all comes down to perspective. What exactly is choice? The ability to make wise, informed decisions about the future, or the ability to do what we want and engage in gratitious self destruction (which sometimes seems an attractive option)?

I'm not trying to elevate the social work profession, just trying to reconcile its values with Christianity, despite the rather tenuous link.

And, quartet conversations are getting intensely thought-provoking. I like.

sos

So the exams passed over peacefully, claimed no life in the process, and the sleep deprived haze that softens the edges of everything continues.

First 2 days of this attachment has been uneventful. Meeting new people, attending group supervision sessions, watching video after video in a hotel room with shelves of books. Life isn't too bad, because we have no clients, and currently that's our biggest problem.

So for anyone who's in Singapore, especially if you are young and single and wants counselling for any rhyme or reason, please contact Wesley Counselling Services at 68378214 to save me from the plight of dying of boredom before 10 weeks are up. Seriously. We have NO clients. The supervisor is reluctant to let us take the older ones with marital problems or mid life crisis or career moratorium for obvious reasons.

Plus points include working hours flexible enough to allow 12.5 hours workdays so we can have a 3 day weekend. Yay.